Monday, September 22, 2008
5. story continued
I was terrified, to say the least. My mom put on a brave face for me, but I could see past the exterior to the worry that was eating at her from the inside out. I knew she was scared which only scared me more. She was the one person who I thought could protect me from anything, and now my fate was something she had no control over. God, and the very large and mysterious machine I was about to be put into, were the only two things left to decide and confirm what would happen next. I closed my eyes, thinking if I didn’t think about it, it would go away. This nightmare would end and I would wake up and it would be over. But I knew it wasn’t true when my mom’s whimper broke the silence coming from the other room. Now that I was finished with the scan all that was left to do was wait. And wait. And wait. The suspense was killing me, literally. I had to know what was happening, how would I tell my friends or family if it was true? Luckily I didn’t have time to answer that question. At that moment Dr. Considine walked into the room holding a very large and hefty folder. It held more x-rays than I could count. He set them up on a light board and pointed to the hole. My eyes watered, because I knew what he was about to say. I knew my life was over. Suddenly my mother’s arms embraced me with tears streaming down her face. Apparently I had missed something while I was zoning out. She looked me in the eyes and kissed my forehead while whispering," Honey did you hear that? You’re going to be fine. The doctors made a mistake. The hole in your leg will close with time." And for the first time in 5 hours, I could finally breathe.
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2 comments:
This part was truly excellent I found it holding my interest the whole entire time. It has great description, i felt the exact same thing's you were feeling. It's interesting as well as emotional, a truly excellent start. I absolutley love the last sentence where you say, for the first time in five hours, i could finally breathe.
Excellent!
I cant wait to read the final copy!
You set the scene in your intro well. I would start your intro with the sentence,” I fell, and i fell hard.” Jumping right into the action with a dramatic moment will catch the attention of your reader. I would end the intro with some sentence that will build suspense by making the reader anticipate what will happen. Your poem does this very well.
In the first dialog, try out something in the second sentence when you write, “It burned.” Add two more ways that it felt so that the section reads like this, “It burned. It _________. It _________.” Using combinations of three is usually pretty powerful. Very good use of active verbs, and I like how the focus in this section turns from how you feel to how your mom feels.
Watch for random comma errors. This sentence is ok: “My mom stared straight ahead, heading for the doctor.” This one is a run-on and needs a fix: “I reached for the car door, lifting myself up, i layed down only wanting to cry.” Examine each sentence looking to avoid fragments (like: “Not knowing how to answer the question.”) as well as run-ons (like: “I coulndnt recall the memory, it brought back too much pain.”). Also, Avoid awkward phrasing like, “Basketball, a full on contact sport, however i never thought it could hurt me, except during the first Calvary game the day before my birthday.”
Even though this is a rough draft, you should still pay attention to your capitalization and spelling. Not only will your efforts make writing the final draft easier, your peers will have an easier time reading and evaluating your rough work. Small things make big impressions!
Good job having a clear beginning, middle and end to your story!
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